Veronica, I wrote you merienda before (not being a bridesmaid ter my sister’s wedding) and wij’ve had some interesting exchanges ter the comments. I’m hoping you can give mij more insight again. I think I’m just stuck ter the middle of a situation that I can’t quiebro see clearly and I’m hoping that you’ll be able to shed some light on it for mij. So here’s my situation. (I apologize te advance for this being so long)
Possibly the longest email I’ve received is worth a crazy long response. Dear Lindsey,
Your bf has every reason to be awkward with your embarking up a friendship with an ex that hurt you so badly. Every reason ter the world. I’m downright on his side te this one. And I think you anticipated that. But let’s go through it all.
It wasgoed amazingly generous of your beau to tell you he’d support you te this, I’m sure hoping you’d figure it out on your own. However, you did work to form a friendship with the ex and the current beau had to find the courage to admit to you his discomfort. I think you waterput him ter a very difficult situation, and he treated it wonderfully.
It would be one thing if you and the ex had already repaired the friendship when you began dating your bf. When you very first come in into a dating relationship, there are ground rules. There are givens ter the equation. Just like if you had a dog or if he smokes, you can’t expect him to abandon smoking just for you, and he can’t expect you to give up your dog because he doesn’t like dogs. It’s not fair. It’s the way you each came.
If he’d bot introduced cerebrally to your ex spil a friend te your life, that would be one thing. But that’s not the introduction your bf had. His entire framework of reference is that this 6 plus year former bf of yours cheated on you and broke your heart. He only knows this fellow spil a envolver, and an booty, and spil any good beau should he dislikes this fellow for causing you such ache.
No matter what reasoning you want to waterput on it, there is something very odd about your wanting to be friends with the ex. Not enough time has passed and not enough “moving on” has occurred for either of you to innocently want to just be friends. The ulterior motives may not be horrid. Maybe he is so guilt ridden that this is a way to relieve it. Maybe you are that lonely for friends that you would actually consider him inward circle after what he did. And maybe the ulterior motives aren’t so guiltless. Maybe he wants you back, or wants to prove to himself that he can get you back on some level. Maybe you like the idea of the beau being a little jealous, or maybe you like the idea that the ex realizes how badly he fucked up when he cheated on you and lost you. Whatever the overeenkomst is there, it’s got zakagenda affixed one way or the other.
I want you to earnestly think about how you would be if this were the other way around. If your bf had this major relationship before you with a woman that cheated on him and broke his heart, and left him wounded. And it took him a long time to heal. And you witnessed the agony and the harm she caused his gentle heart, the heart you now love. And then one day he says to you, “Hey the woman that ruined mij has returned and wants to be my friend. Cool, right?”
Ter all honesty what does your gut do? Do you smile and say, “Neato! Maybe I can meet hier and wij can all dual date sometimes!” Be fair. That’s not what your reaction would be at all, no matter how much you’d like to believe it would be. Your gut would wrong and you’d say, “Why the hell do you want to be friends with hier? And what the hell am I supposed to do with that!” And you’d be 100% right.
Time heals all wounds. Years from now when you are married and when the ex is married, maybe you two can have some zuigeling of arms length friendship. But that time is not now. Especially not while you are attempting to build a relationship with someone else.
When you are building trust with someone, you don’t strain it and test it with obstacles it can’t hop. There has to be some part of you that knew this wasgoed not gonna fly, yet you did it anyway. And now you’re telling you’ve given ter to the bf’s uncomfortableness because that’s the juist thing to do, but you’re feeling resentful about it.
I’m wondering if this wasgoed a set up. Did you create this so you could do some harm to this relationship spil a defense mechanism to his not leaping to get married? To protect yourself from getting hurt? To pull away from taking chances especially ter the aftermath of the family issues? To give ter to the fear of financial ruin?