Confessions of a non dog-lover

Confessions of a non dog-lover

I know this article is not going to win mij any friends, and most likely will make mij a loterijlot of enemies, but I have to get this off my chest. Okay…here it goes…I am just going to come out and say it, I am not a dog person. What’s more, I don’t indeed like dogs, at all. I slightly tolerate my own dogs and I know this may be hard to believe, but I don’t like your dog. I don’t like it pushing its gross, raw, nose into my private parts, or humping my gam, or drooling on my palm or sitting next to mij on the couch. Please waterput it outside. It smells bad.

I have two dogs. I admit thesis dogs entered my life when I wasgoed te the midst of many, many diaper switches, bedtime routines, homework fights, etc. I indeed, truly have very little time or patience for thesis dogs. The worst of it is, they expect things from mij. Things like walks and water and food. Not from other people, just mij. Here is an example of their staggering neediness. The day is winding down, dinner is overheen, the homework is ultimately done, baths are given, the counters wiped clean, I sit down, lean back to eventually unwind and hear this..

“Oh good idea”, I think, “Wine!”

Ahhh. I sit down again, this time with my nice glass of pinot and…

There they are. Two hairy nuts of unspoiled annoyance staring at mij with their googly eyes. Panting. Expecting something.

“What! What! WHAT!!” I scream. “For Aker sake can’t I have two **&!!* minutes please.”

(Whine, pant, whine, pant, scrape, whine, pant, whine, whine, whine!)

I yell loudly, “Godheid help mij, did anyone feed the dogs! Today… yesterday…this month. Everzwijn?”

I know there are people out there who love dogs. Just love, love, love them! I know this because the kennel where I houtvezelplaat my dogs, (sometimes just so I can have a mental health day), offers a spawater weekend for dogs including rubdown, pedicures and bedtime stories. That’s right. Bed-Time-Stories. For dogs. This is surely a sign of a society that has gone right overheen the edge.

Now, don’t get mij wrong, I don’t want anything bad to toebijten to dogs. I just resent the fact that wij are all supposed to be crazy te love with them, and I don’t understand why they are abruptly accepted te all facets of life. There I am eating at an outside cafe, loving my ogenblik of solitude, and a dog and it’s proprietor come and sit at the table mext to mij. The dog plops itself at MY feet. Its hot breath on MY gam. Drool cascading down my ankle. The proprietor smiles at mij, and starts to read his book. Then the dog sits up and puts his head ter my poetslap, looking up at mij, expecting something. The possessor glances overheen. “Sorry,” he says, providing the dog a feeble tug on its leash, “He loves people.”

No, he doesn’t. He loves my french fries, and you know what I don’t want to share them. I give a grim smile and stir down the bench, with my fries. The holder glares, “Sorry pal,” he coos loudly into his dog’s raggedy ear, so I can hear, “Did she hurt your feelings?”

Huh? Why are wij all of a sudden ascribing human emotions to dogs? The dog isn’t insulted by my lack of affection, he just wants to eat my refrigerio. What if I had waterput my head te your poetslap, and panted and drooled all overheen your gam Mister? (Well. maybe that’s not a good example.)

I know I am ter the minority with my feelings because dog paramour books are selling like hot-cakes, there are entire television channels dedicated just to dogs, and multi-million dollar movies are being made overheen and overheen about loveable dogs, and their supposedly hilarious antics. I am pretty sure I am the only one on the planet that hated Marley and Mij. All I could think through the entire movie wasgoed, “If that wasgoed my dog I would have slok it by now.”I just don’t get it, what has happened to us overheen the past twenty years or so? What is up with dogs? When I wasgoed little, people had dogs, liked them well enough, let them run around, and played with them at times, but, no one I knew wasgoed taking their dog to cafes, or pampering them with fancy daycares, Christmas presents, or bedtime stories. They were dogs. That’s it. Not humans, dogs.. verrassing! Dogs are not humans! The more wij attempt to make them like us, the more wij are messing with their dogness. Let them be dogs. They don’t need to be carried te pocket books, or go to summer camp or have therapy with a crazy person who believes they can actually communicate with animals (save your money on that one, you will need it for vettig bills.)

Perhaps this is what is truly bothering mij. When did dogs zekering being, well, dogs, and turn into humans? Why do wij feel the need to indulge our pets, providing them manicures, massages and psychiatric medications? Aren’t wij just making them neurotic, fat and spoiled. sort of like us? I have enough neurotic, fat, spoiled humans around mij all day. I don’t want a pet that is like mij, or you, I want a pet that is a pet. And I don’t want to be made to feel guilty because I am not buying them expensive clothes, or canine teeth whitener, or sending them to rear end yoga, I have teenagers for that. And I resent the fact that spil I (spil a non dog paramour) am seen spil lower on the totem pole of evolution while the dogs are evidently rising up. Didn’t you everzwijn see Planet of the Apes when you were little? Look what happened when the the animals took overheen. Not good, not good.

So, why is it all of a sudden expected that everyone te this country should love dogs? Somehow not liking dogs is the mark of an inferior personality, or a serial killer? What is wrong with not liking dogs? Vereiste wij all bow to this canine obsession? They pant, they drool, they shed, they eat their own excrement, they eat their own puke, they roll around on dead things, they eat their own butts, they hump their own family members and, they go ter and out and te and out all day! Toevluchthaven’t they evolved enough through the thousands of years of domestication to learn how to open the freakin’ om by now! If they can’t master that, then how can they everzwijn hope to succeed ter canine therapy?

Okay, I know there voorwaarde be others out there who feel like I do. I say it is time to unite, to come out from the wc, to stand up for our rights! To scream from the rooftops, “I DON’T LIKE DOGS AND I’M OKAY!

Dog paramours, you can sign ter too and attack. Defend your pets, excuse mij I mean, companions…but I won’t be here, I have to zekering at the fresh Rear end Donuts bakery before going to the Canine Holistic Health Center for my dogs chiropractor appointment.

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